Your Love Is A Lie

 She is sitting in front of me; gun in hand. She twirls around in her chair and lays back a little to let me have one last look at her. Then she points the gun towards my head and fires a blank shot, laughing. She likes the smell of fear.

He is sitting in front of me, knees bent on the ground and hands tied at the back. A little drop of sweat rolls down the side of his head. The look of terror looms over his face. I like the smell of fear.

I should have never gotten involved with her but the passion drew me in. Those long wavy locks and luscious lips were enough to drive me crazy. Entranced out of my wit, I fell for this enchanting woman who turned out to be the she-devil.

I should have never gotten involved with him. Different than anyone I had ever met; this simple minded, doe-eyed man astounded me. He was like a breath of fresh air that had come to choke me.

I say sorry. I beg for mercy. I tell her I'll be faithful for the rest of my life but she doesn't believe me. What else can I do to convince her?

He is begging for mercy, he is saying sorry but he'll never convince me cause I can see through his fake apology; just like I can see through his shirt, the hickey she gave him on his neck.

She used to tell me she'll love me till the end. But I didn't think she meant the end of my life.

I told him I'll love him till the end. He didn't realize I was capable of ending his life if I didn't anymore.

Bang.  Bang.

Born A Girl

I'm a girl.

My ultimate goal in life is to get married.

And how could I not make it the purpose of my existence to serve my in-laws and my future husband when that's what I was born for.

Since I came into this world I've been groomed for it.

The little school girl was asked not to be over friendly with boys in case it developed into a love affair with age.

The teenager was asked to make it a habit of helping around the house or she'd have to hear taunts from her mother-in-law after marriage.

She was told to watch her weight or no decent (read wealthy) guy would wanna marry her.

The college graduate was asked to join a cooking class instead of java.

Her futile attempts at building a career were squished to fulfill her lifelong objective.

The 22 yr old was asked to stop wasting her precious time at her job and become a homemaker.

Her nosy relatives and neighbors were a constant reminder of the huge number of "gifts" her parents were supposed to offer the guy's family.

The 23 yr old was told to get married right away because you just look like an old witch at 27.

Every wedding was a showcase where she was on display. But the fat on her belly always over shadowed her sense of humor.

The male ego of every prospective groom was satiated with reassurances of her purity.

Her would-be-husband was portrayed as the god she was supposed to worship for the rest of her life.

The newlywed bride was told to satisfy all his needs in order to have a hold on his heart.

His needs always superseded her comfort.

He told her to get back to work the very next day of marriage; after all looking after your family is also work.

The constant badgering from elders instead of her own will led to the birth of a beautiful little son.

And her long set aim in life was complied with. She was no longer a person of any significance.

The Words.

Ever heard of writers block? Stuck Out of inspiration. Out of luck. Anyway it's not like anyone's gonna read your story so why bother wasting your words. Wasting them on some dumb-witted person who only desires a happy ending, someone who is easily appalled by the fucked up ways of life. Because what is life if not a series of messed up events.

But its the end of the line and you have a million things left to say, about the stars and the road, about passion and obsession, just not the right moment nor the right audience. Still I'm gonna let you know.

         'She led her days filled with a longing, a longing to leave something of her own behind, to amount to something for once in her life. Her life which had been a procession of yrs flying by in the blink of an eye, the disconnected family, the over-connected friends, the string of good grades and the dearth of anything else, lack of determination to reach long set goals and the sheer unproductivity of her soul. 

Only words could provide her the comfort everything else lacked. The feeling of achievement when a story reached a satisfactory ending couldn't be matched. The reading, re-reading and further repetitive recitations kept her brain occupied and working like a super speed engine. Just waiting to reach out to people, to find a little appreciation.
  
She often felt that words twisted themselves and found new meaning and with them she could become someone else. Someone so complicated only Sherlock could decode. It may not be easy but you'll want to know her, this mysterious person who has a world of her own. Each day with a new plot  and she was the star of it all.'

Words. Powerful little things. They give you the ability of manipulation and playing with people's mind. 

And she made them her own.

"HOME"

For every brick going down Maahi felt a little piece of her was being broken. A lifetime worth of memories were scattered across the ground, in a pile of rubble. Maahi loved her house. The building she had come to call 'home' since she was 3 yrs old. Now after 20 yrs Maahi had become more attached to that place than she cared to show. She wasn't someone who easily got homesick; rather someone who preferred the outsides but ultimately everyone wants to come back home. And she did, if not after a few hrs then a few days when she was in need of comfort and something familiar.

It became more of a habit than anything else. Taking the same route each day to reach her house, telling people where she lived and filling out the address column in every institutional form with the same eight letters.

Maahi remembered each and every corner of her house with precision. The stairs which had seen her two yr old self fall a dozen times, before she finally learned to climb. The kitchen slab which didn't see her cook even a single day but on which she sat and spent hrs chatting away. The bathroom floor on which she slipped and fell and got up laughing each time. The first floor balcony where she threatened to commit 'Suicide' because her mom wouldn't let her play past her bedtime. The rooftop which had seen her dance a dozen times to the rhythm of the monsoon rains. Her bedroom mirror which had witnessed her strike a million poses pretending to be a fashionista and adjust her hair before her dates. The walls which had seen her cry more than anyone else in the world. The marble floor on which she tip-toed in her mothers heels though her little feet could fill only half of them up. And the outside pavement into which she crashed her car while she was learning to drive for the third time. She remembered it all with absolute clarity.

The day before it was supposed to be knocked down, Maahi went up to her house. Now an empty space which once used to hold her most prized possessions. She did the only thing she could. She roamed about in every direction taking mental pictures, to never let the memories fade away.

Visions

Walking down the platform of Rajiv Chowk amongst a sea of people, Antra felt a nudge, ignoring it she moved forward. Busy in their monotonous routines people have become so accustomed to knocking into each other, that they don't even bother to look over.

But brushing past a good looking man in his late twenties, as she was boarding the train; Antra felt a vision flash before her eyes. In a dimly lit room in Hyderabad, a timid little boy was on his knees with his father standing above him. They couldn't see her but tears rolled down her cheeks as she heard his cries; begging for his petty life while his father continued to thrash him with his belt.

Sitting in her cubicle at lunch time, Antra was rescued from her work load when a chudda-clad hand tapped over her shoulder and Shivangi called her over to have lunch together. While moving two cubicles down, Antra found herself in a posh South Delhi apartment. Laying next to his wife in bed, a man gently swept aside hair from her face while he watched her sleep peacefully; kissing the forehead of his newlywed bride he got up and popped into the shower. Opening her eyes once he left Shivangi felt ecstatic, she had never loved a man more deeply than this one.

Antra was striding up her apartment building when she was stopped in her track by the watchman. Handing over an envelop the 60 something Rajnath smiled at Antra, but as the tip of his index finger touched her palm, she found herself transported to a skimpy one room hut. As Rajnath put on his uniform with trembling hands and got ready for work, his 30 yr old son walked in drunk as the night, cursing all along he stumbled on the cot and fell into a deep slumber. With a disappointed look on his frail face Rajnath walked away.

For Antra, coming back to an empty flat at the end of the day, had been the end to every day for the past two yrs.

Tired after working the whole day, Karan lay his head in Antra's lap while she caressed his hair, softly running her fingers; when she envisioned him in the conference room with one of his colleagues. Pushing Roma against the wall, he devoured her with passion that had been missing from their marriage for some time now. And she was forced to wonder what could be worse than seeing the love of your life with another woman and not being able to look away.

Wrapped up in everyone else's story Antra didn't realize when she stopped paying attention to Karan. The distance she created pushed him away, yet she couldn't stay with someone unfaithful. And once he walked away two yrs ago, Karan never returned.

Her visions were a part of her she couldn't separate; like a curse she saw and felt everything but could do nothing.

We Are Family

 

Swinging on the swing set in her backyard, Christie yelled to her mom to push harder. As she reached the top and spread her legs in the air, she felt as if she was flying. It was exhilarating. Afterwards as they went to get some ice cream, chocolate chip in cookie dough, her favorite, the smile never left her face and at the end Christie hugged her mother and said "Today was the best, I love you mom". "I love you too baby, always" her mother replied and she felt deeply satisfied, for there is no greater joy in the world than seeing your child happy.


Coming back from a week long business trip, Christie's father felt beyond tired but all the fatigue left his body when he saw Christie run towards him, leap into his arms and give him a big hug. It had become their tradition for her to be the first one to welcome him. The day he was supposed to come back, Christie would suddenly develop a stomach ache so that she would be let out of school early and she could come back home to greet him. And her father loved her more than life itself.

Whatever it was - a small scrape on the knee, a passing cold or chicken pox, Christie had both her parents by her side, day in and day out. She felt lucky, none of the other kids at school had such caring parents. What more could a 7 yr old want in life.

Well, just a thing more, for her parents to stop fighting. It had almost become a hobby for them, whenever they were not working or with Christie, they didn't let a single second go without launching into one battle or another. In every nook and cranny of their house voices could be heard, screaming long after the fight had ended.

Christie sat on her bed, holding her favorite teddy bear and covering Mr. Buttons ears, hoping he didn't hear anything, after all he was too young to know mom-dad didn't get along. But as soon as she would hear footsteps coming up the staircase, she would crawl under the bed covers and pretend to be asleep. Seeing their daughter sleep peacefully, her parents would leave satisfied.

But over the years making sure Mr. Buttons remained unaware, Christie herself heard every single word of every argument.

Growing up to be a teenager the only thing she never understood was why her parents stayed together all those years, when it was impossible for them to even look at each others face. Separately they were wonderful people and parents but together they only created havoc. Just if, they had separated when she was young, they would have found bliss for themselves and could have provided for her two healthy, though slightly empty but happy homes. Instead of the broken one she currently lived in.

To outsiders they looked like a perfect family, bonded by love but in reality Christie despised being home for dinner, because she knew everyone would plaster on their fake smiles and joyous faces for that half an hour but go back to sulking the minute she left the room.
 
In the fall, when she entered 8th grade, Christie was running down the stairs one evening in a hurry to meet her friends for a movie. That's when her right foot slipped on one of the steps and she rolled down, landing head first. Her face was soaked in a pool of her own blood when her parents found her.

They immediately took her to the hospital. Two days later, after her surgery when she woke up, the doctor told Christie that she came back fighting death. Being anemic since birth, she was lucky they were able to recover all the blood that was lost.

The words "anemic since birth" echoed in her mind, she didn't know she had a medical condition. Then it all became clear to her, her frequent trips to the doctor, her parent's concern over little injuries, their constant disputes over money which she now knew were over medical bills and most importantly the reason for them staying together - HER.

Deception

Laying John in the ground, safe and sound asleep; Sarah stood in the cemetery among a dozen of her relatives, motionless and lifeless. People came to console her, shed a million tears while reminiscing old memories they had with John. But she just stood there, staring into the distance. Detached from everyone.
Expressionless. 
Emotionless.

But holding her hand beside her was her younger sister Ana, she would answer anyone who came up to them. Acting her part perfectly she asked them for a little privacy and people were understanding enough to let them be.

After the service as Sarah was going back to an empty apartment; her mother didn't wanna leave her alone. But when Ana asked her if she was gonna be okay by herself; Sarah nodded. For the first time that day, she responded to someone. Thinking maybe all she needed was time, they left her.

The next morning Sarah woke up and went to take a bath as per her routine. But standing in front of the mirror, flashes came to her of mornings when John would come and hug her from behind while she brushed her hair. And the little kisses he would plant on her neck and hair. She couldn't bear to look at the mirror which now held just one image instead of two. So she lift it up and smashed it on the ground; then picked up scissors from the side and cut her long hair which once John caressed lovingly. In her rage she didn't realize that she was hurting herself, leaving cuts all over her neck and shoulders. Once she was done, she fell down on the floor almost involuntarily; cross legged and naked, she finally allowed herself to cry.

Exactly a week earlier, Sarah was sleeping in her bed when her phone rang. It was five in the morning and she was half asleep but she answered anyway. It was John. His flight from New York had landed and he was on his way home. Sarah loved her sleep so much that she didn't even go to pick him up, instead John hired a cab. While on the curb from their apartment, the cab driver stopped to get a cigarette on the way and John called her. On the phone, with her eyes closed, Sarah replied a single hmmm to John's every sentence and he knew she wasn't gonna wake up. Thank god he had the keys. Saying I love you, he was about to cut the phone, when a truck having lost its control came right in front of the cab and smashed into it.
 
Hearing John's scream and the banging of metal, her eyes flew open; Sarah shouted his name into the phone a dozen times but no answer reached her. So rushing out of her bed, in her pajamas, without putting on her shoes and leaving the door unlocked, Sarah ran till she reached the curb. And fell down on her knees, crying as she saw the fiasco in front of her eyes. Cab crushed in half, fumes coming out of the truck and lying on the sidewalk, John's body.
 
A few days after the funeral Sarah's mother called her to invite her over for dinner. She wanted to see how her daughter was doing. She was pleased to hear that Sarah sounded as her normal self. But when she asked her about dinner, Sarah said "I'll absolutely be there mom at seven I suppose. But John will be late, he has a lot of work at the office these days." The line went blank from the other end.
 
The very next day Sarah got a visit from her mother. It was dinner time. As she came in, Mary saw two plates laid on the table. Sarah hugged her and asked her to join them and set another plate for her. Mary took her aside and asked her why did they have three plates. "For you, me and John, mom. And how rude of you to not even say hello to him." said Sarah. The entire evening Mary remained quiet, listening to her daughter talk to an empty chair, laugh at silence and kiss a puff of air. Sarah needed help.
 
Mary asked Sarah to go meet Paul Grifith, an old friend of her fathers."Baby, Dr Grifith says its been too long since you visited, you must go to dinner" she said. Sarah agreed.
 
Over at his house Paul asked her how was life at home. Sarah answered cheerfully "Everything's great. John and I are delightfully happy, work is going good, our new house is exceptional and we are even thinking about having a baby" she finished blushing. Paul asked "How does John feel about all this?"."Well he's the one who suggested that we start a family", she answered. Then in his grave and solemn voice he asked her, "Do you have faith in my professional advice?",she nodded. To this he said "Sarah, John is dead. I was there with you at the funeral. You are living in a delusional world where in you have suppressed the memory of the trauma. You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.".
 
Sarah couldn't believe it. She knew her mother didn't like John from the beginning but this wasn't the length she expected her mother to go to and after three yrs of blissful marriage. In a fit of fury, Sarah stormed out and went home.
 
In the middle of the night, Ana was woken up by the ring of her cell phone. Who could be calling her at 4am. Sarah's voice was anxious,"John didn't come home last night. I called his cell then his office, multiple times. Nobody is picking up. I'm scared Ana" she said. Ana told her not to worry, she would be with her come morning.
 
In the next three hrs before Ana came, Sarah thought about everything Dr Grifith had said. She just couldn't put it out of her mind. Then she stood up from her bed and went to the store room. There behind all the crap was a box, she didn't remember having put it there but it still seemed familiar. She opened it. Inside it was John's suit, in shreds. The one he wore the day of the accident.
 
When Ana arrived, Sarah was sitting on the sofa with the suit in her lap. Without looking up Sarah said "he's dead, isn't he?", Ana went over and hugged her sister and said "yes he is".

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall.. Who's The Prettiest Of Them All?

Many of us constantly find ourselves wondering, why we couldn't be perfect like all those around us? Why is it that we always lag behind in the things that really matter? and simply that, why did God make us this way? Was it to punish us for something we did in our past life? 

But just consider for a moment that maybe the world is not out to get you, rather it's you who has an attitude problem, a constant need to compare yourself with your peers, find your faults and become jealous.
 
We don't always admire ourselves for the qualities we have and repeatedly struggle with the fact that we are not good enough. Why does other people's opinion hold so much importance to us that we are forced to reconsider our choices. Even if we think we look good then why is it necessary to hear it from someone else? Why is our own confirmation not enough?

We can't help but wish there was someone who would feel the same way about us. We yearn for a little recognition, a little appreciation...but this never ending desire for validation is exhausting...it leaves us vulnerable...at the mercy of people we may not even like.
 
When will we stop putting other people down to make ourselves feel a little less worthless. It's imperative to understand that valuing their talent won't rob us of our own...rather it is self worth which holds the key to free us from the restrains we have let this world enclose us within...the perception of this world about us is merely their point of view...but the only opinion that matters is our own. 

At the end of the day, you have to accept that there will always be someone more focused, more beautiful, more smart and more humane than you but that's no reason to doubt yourself and give away things that make you, YOU.

Straight From Heaven

 

Stuck in traffic...horns honking from every direction...pools of water stagnated at every corner...life at a stand still...no way to go forward or move backwards....agitation got the best of people unable to reach their appointments or prior commitments on time or those just waiting to go home after a tiring day...and they started blaming the god forsaken showers which came out of the blue and wretched their precious belongings...

Sitting in her car Naina felt frustrated at her inability to do anything....fumbling with her phone, she stared out her window and saw a little boy jumping up and down in a puddle of dirty water...as she saw his muddy feet, the disgust she felt was quite visible on her face...until her gaze moved slightly up and she saw the most radiant smile she had ever seen...the mere act of splashing water all around him, lit his face with elation like he didn't have a care in the world...

Staring at him Naina got of her car...standing at the side of the road...she felt little droplets of water touch her cheeks...her hair...her nose...sensing every single one of them...closing her eyes she felt a gush of wind...making her hair fly back...rising goosebumps on her arms and at the back of her neck...she trembled slightly as felt every nerve ending come alive inside her body...taking in the fragrance of the damp soil beneath her feet, a slow smile adorned her lips without her even realizing it...with her mind completely empty...not a single worry...not even a minute thought at the back of her head...finally she gave her over-thinking sub-conscience some rest and felt at peace...like she had been running for hrs and at last sat down...

All 'she' desires, is for us to take some time out of our busy schedule and appreciate her...abandon everyone and everything...and enjoy a moment filled with tranquilly and pure happiness...to lose ourself in its beauty...its serenity...
Pouring down its mystical rains on us is Mother Nature's way of telling us to STOP.

Unexpected Release

Lying in a dark alley in Delhi, unconscious and penniless...you can be sure that no one half decent would approach you...but as Lizzie was taking her last breaths, Ronak found her...he rushed to her side and felt her pulse...it was faint but still there....thank god she was alive....owing to his humanity, he took her to the hospital...

But it was clear to the doctors that this was in no way a natural death...the police had to be involved...though everyone knew she wouldn't survive that long but it was flaw in the system that had to be followed...knowing how lil life meant in a metropolitan city when there was no one to fight for you...Ronak did the only thing that he thought could save her...he threatened to go to the human rights activists...so for the fear of a lawsuit, the chief physician agreed to operate on her....Ronak finally let out a sigh of relief...

In the OT the doctors looked for a single vein on her hands that had not already been jammed with needles...looking up and down her arm, covered in scars, not a doubt remained in their mind that she was an intravenous drug abuser...

Living in a foreign country with no family or friends to support her...Lizzi felt more alone than ever before...a trip that was supposed to be about adventure and self revelation...turned into the biggest mistake of her life...desperate to fit in and feel at home...Lizzie found a friend and her savior in Cocaine...

It was the remedy for all her woes...the portal to another world...a world without racism, harassment and judgement...where she was alone and free...as she lived in her own lil paradise, the line between the real world and her dreams began to turn blurry...she would wake up in unknown places with unknown people...but it didn't scare her for long...because the single thrust of a syringe would make her forget it all again...

Until the day she woke up in a hospital bed...blinking rapidly...she felt like a newborn baby, just out of the womb, and seeing light for the first time...she felt dizzy like her head would explode and she fell unconscious again...but it was a peaceful sleep...one she was glad she didn't wake up from...

You're with me

Hands folded, head bowed down before the deity, bells rung, chants whispered and the auspicious vibe of being in a temple; all of it was forgotten among the mindless chatter of city life. Until the day I was blinded by the traffic lights; like a deer caught in the headlights I saw my end approaching and I thought of you; My Creator, The Almighty.

My mind reeled back to the time when I was a child and my father held my hand and took me to see the miracle worker. How excited I was to meet the one my family worshiped, the one who solved everyone's problems and had the answer to every prayer but instead i found a piece of rock. I couldn't help but feel disappointed for having put my faith in an inanimate object.

Now 40 yrs later, I see my faith reappear as I wish for this to be a near death experience and not a real death. As I wish for you to have mercy on me and forget my treachery over the yrs, accept me as one of your children and give me another chance.

In this terror stricken state I feel my lips move and suddenly realize I'm whispering the Gayatri Mantra that my mother made me cram when I was 4.

As I stood there in the middle of the road, mumbling like a lunatic, the car that was destined to take my life away, circled around me and left me without even a scratch. I avoided my fatal end by a split-second; had I moved a single inch further I would have met you a lot sooner than I intended to. But it was not my day, not my time. 
You made me motionless yet jolted life back into me.

The Girl In The Blue Line Metro

Noida city center                    :07

I cursed the system of our country in every language i knew....who the f*ck has the time to wait for 7 min...controlling my desire to smack the driver across the face, i waited...among a dozen others, desperate to get on the next train...finally it was here...but i was transfixed at my position...standing near the door, you were smiling, probably at someone you knew....but i felt that smile was meant for me...people pushed me and shoved me out of their way...i even heard a man call me an idiot but his words didn't make any sense at that moment...all i cud see was you...

I had always been a practical guy...never believed in horoscopes, superstitions or love at first sight for that matter...but having had two serious relationships and countless one night stands in the past 2 and a half yrs and yet having seen the same face when i closed my eyes and went to bed each night...even i began to doubt myself....either i was in need of a psychiatrist or re-evaluating my beliefs...

Since going to a mental health professional seems like a rather costly affair...i'll accept...that it is indeed your lips that i want on mine each and every day, as long as i shall live...it is your hand that i wanna hold when i flaunt you in front of my 'good for nothing' friends...it is your face that i wanna see everyday when i wake up next to you in our bed...and for me to be the one you smile at, when you look out the window of your metro and spot me among a crowd of people...

Every time i tell someone about u...they begin by laughing at me and end with calling me crazy...but having lived my life following logic and reason at every turn, i did try to forget you...but how can you forget someone you never knew?

The Perfect Illusion

"He loves me...he has to...he is the one...he has to be", a thousand voices scream from my inside...
He keeps me safe, protects me from all those who could hurt me...
When he sets his eyes on me everything else disappears in the room for him and a slow smile makes its way up to his face...
My eyes light up every time he comes near me...
I'm bound by his love...i can't begin to imagine my life without him...

A thousand screams from my heart hide the single cry emerging from my throat as the leather of his belt touches my skin...
I'm safe and protected as I lie in the corner of my dungeon, immersed in darkness, away from the outside world...
When he looks at me everything else disappears for him with pure lust reflecting in his eyes...and he smiles as the idea of possessing me plays around in his mind...
My eyes illuminate when he comes near me as I get to look at another body with flesh and bones...
I'm bound in shackles, unable to escape his torment...having lost all hope of a better future, I can't imagine life without him...he is all I know now...

Meant For You

  

Valentine's day...

Young love...

John and Suzy planned the perfect evening...

Candlelight set...

Flowers delivered...

Chocolates bought...

Susy waited...

At the same restaurant each year...

No one ever came...

Today was no different...

Her children didn't remember her b'day...

Then came a bouquet...

with a Lil note saying "I love you"...

which was enough to turn her frown upside down...

Nothing can emphasis the power of a single syllable more...

Damaged Goods

"Damaged goods" they called me...jumping from one relationship to another, nothing ever seemed to work out...I had no family to take the fall for me or childhood trauma to blame...maybe it was my fear of abandonment coupled with their fear of commitment...which led them to believe that I needed to be rescued...and none of them wanted to get their hands dirty doing it...

Psyche Of A Suicidal Person

I wonder what goes on in the inner depths of a mind, that is willing to die an unnatural and self-propelled death...

The will to end your life just lying beneath the surface...hiding behind a facade of happiness...

The strength to go through it all, appearing suddenly and unexpectedly...

Life becoming so unbearable that the pain of dying seems trivial in its comparison...

The thought of family and friends fleeting through the mind, seeming insignificant...

Heart filled with doubt and brain frozen with terror...

Then all that fear fading away as the edge approaches....

With an unseen force pushing you to take that leap and end all the misery in an instant...

And the promise of an after-life or at least release from the present one, overpowering all rationality...

One step, life ceases to exist and its gone Forever...